26/3/2009…been busy…

 

At the moment this is my only sole excuse as to why I fail to update my blog. I was away from a good internet connection and a bigger screen to view it.

So, how’s life, people out there?

I, myself learnt a few things now. One of them, is to appreciate what I have and make use of it. The incidents that kinda triggered me of thinking so, are….

1.I went to lunch with my colleague, and while eating, I noticed a middle age man munching his bread. He looked at the table next to his, ladies whom just sat with plates of rice. That look on his face seeing the plate, was a look I’ll never forget. I realised, he just ate a bun and a glass of plain water. And he looked sad at the plates of rice. I cried alone that night. So, from now on, I just take what I am able to finish only. Unless it’s a buffet…

2.I was in a wedding reception. Saw a guy, who seem to dressed unfit for the occasion, round neck Ts, ragged jeans, sandal but a spunky glass….and the thing that caught my eye…..he was holding his old mother’s hand walking her to the car while on his shoulder carrying her bag…cute. I miss my mom’s energetic appeal , when she’s on a shopping mode. But nowadays, she’s sick and she better be resting or else…I’m the one whose going to be house ridden while she is bed ridden…huhuhu….sian ibu saya…

3.Yesterday I walked for 30 minutes to office. Though perspirating and tiresome but I’m grateful. While back in my old college in Kulim, I carpool. There is this particular girl who sometime do this ’silent treatment’ to me. Well, she’s just too sensitive. But though, she totally ignore me, my ignorence is far more better than her’s. Without any shame, I asked her for a lift, though, she never said yes. My ticket was, when I see her pick up my friend, I just get in the car too. She wouldn’t say anything, since she’s practically not talking to me. But I don’t have any choice. The bus are 3 times daily and I don’t have the budget to ride taxis to college that costs RM8. So, it’s either go to class with her or skip class. And the latter is never an option for me. I am so grateful now at least I do not have to face that kinda situation again. Sometimes, I ride with my fianc’e….secretly…C.I.A style…hahahah..(some would know what I’m talking about..)..

My conclusion is, what we have is in our grasp…if we’re lucky….we’ll get more…but what’s the point having more when you can appreciate what’s already yours?

 

I like this...don't you?

 

p/s:The net was crap yesterday…had to post it today…27/3/2009…

 

Not my kind of Friday…..

Come to think of it. It’s the the first February Friday and I am still demotivated. And I realise it now, what made me so….demotivated. When my boss announced end of last year, there will be no increment this year (and certainly…no bonus…if there ever is…). Sigh… And I still can’t find a new focus of motivation. Which is totally mind boggling. Because, I used to eat a lot as stress therapy, but now, I only eat a lot because my period is coming. This is very bad. There must be something out there to cheer me up. I hate this situation.

*Well, come to thik about it…again…. there was never been my kind of day. Oh, this is another mumbling entry that I think I am personally going to laugh at in a month’s time.

Hopefully I will be a little bit cheered up this eve. Probably, if the time permits, I got a date. 

p/s:Pity my fiance. We never had a proper date since we got engaged. I am always not in a mood for everything now. I blamed it on the wedding anxieties. I hate weddings…(I think…). And I blame it on my incapabilities to entertain to smoochy jokes nowadays. Sorry babe.

 

Love you babe…

 

 

2009…year of the ox…1430 hijrah….and I got a year older….

Salam…

Typically, I start with, ’somehow’…’life is….’. but today, I don’t feel like to beginmy entry with things like that….a bit boring don’t you think? 

First, I’d like to apologise to my blog. I’t been a while since I wrote on it. I’m too darn busy….I can’t tell you exactly why did I, was and were,busy of and by. Second, I’m very much ‘de’motivated now…. And third, I am financially unstable again, this year….or so.

To begin…what’s to begin? Everything’s seems to end for me this year. My due date to have a 5 digit account balance is up. My ‘driving’ license, that I never used will expired in 2 months. My bachelorhood…(or so in God’s hands…) is nearing to the end. And I still don’t know when to open my unit trust account. Thats a little summary of whats coming ahead for me this year.

Last year….Well. .last year, was an unexpected turn out year. No, I didn’t managed to save a 5 digit saving, as I planned to, due to ‘un’foreseen nature of spendthrift I had been. The high maintenance of buying thing or gifts nowadays. (Today you can’t buy less than RM30 present to  your 10 year old baby brother). I found out, I’m not in control of my budget nowadays. (And people thought I was stingy…..so ironic….). But I managed to visit UK, got a diomond ring, my loan reduction approved and bought a blue bag…

So….this year I planned to get a year older by being able to fulfil the ‘un’fulfilled resolution of last year. All the resolution is in my troubled head. And I foresee that life’s lil surprises, isn’t what I’l be having this year. Like a raise…(not getting it)….a car…(no…)…another beau…(too late…). But what I’ll definitely get is seeing myself emptying my bank account…if there will ever be my wedding this year… (…and who said, a girl doesn’t have to pay anything…F.O.S, f*** o* s***…with the list of these little things looking like endless, like make up, trinkets, flowers, bedspread, shoes,gift…and the list continues…cost almost the same as the main expenditure…and who is going to have to pay these lil forgotten things…yes….me….and I pity myself…).

But….it’s all okay….okay for now….I can see myself now….being more patient and I found a new talent….I can swear people whithout spilling a word and also smiling at the same time…yeay……

 

 

Why like looking at this lady? Guess...anyone?

 

p/s:Sometimes, cursing is better than singing that ‘Hadapi dengan senyuman…’ from DEWA

My mother and her shoes….

A thing about shoes and women, they compliment each other in any way a rational person could think. My mother has a shoe fettish. She love shoes so much, she has shoes for every occasion she went. She adores them so much, she could not bear of wearing them, afraid it would leave a scratch. Meticulous and thorough, my mom buys shoes in bulks. 5 and more pairs and one time and wear them less then 2 in a month. She said, “These, I bought myself. What other things I could buy?“.

As some women chose to raise a step, buying matching clothes or handbags, my mother would wear the same hand bag until it tear apart and just buy clothes she can fit into. Sometimes I wonder, what kind of expectation she would have in buying ‘the shoe‘. Well, she has and had lots of shoes, but there is one shoe, she loves the most. A red shiny shoe. It is a narrow tipped and looks like the matured version of Alice who walked The Wonderland. It has this love shape pendant hanging from the sides and it looks classy with its black thin stilletto. 

Unfortunately, my mother never wears them. She said, “How could I wear them. It’s too skinny for my feet”. I looked at her and grin. But I could see in her eyes, the adoration. Whether it’s the red shiny colour or the package but somehow there a definite glitter in her deep eyes when she holds the shoe. 

Sometimes, she would rub her rough heels and sighed. “My feet isn’t smooth anymore. I’m an old lady that should wear black covered shoes“. She laughed alone by saying that. And still, when she goes anywhere near, she would wear the same black flats that she bought in a sale, 3 years ago. Though she kept saying she would buy a new one, she never did. Though she complaints in it being too plain, but she could never find anything to change it.

Then, last weeked, her black shoe was accidently thrown away as she put it near the dumster. She frowned the whole week. Only relieved when she got herself a new black flats. Similar but not the same.

As I wrote this entry, it occured to me. She loves fine things in life as any normal person. But my mother chose to keep them, so that she could cherish it. Instead she preferred to use things that she supposed to use as she only can never wear the lovely shoes she had. For her, the nice shoes are for keeps but the worn shoes are her slippers in life.

Syawal pula datang….

Salam…(Tetibe rase cam syahdu je...)

Sudah agak lama aku tak tulis apa-apa atau pun menampal sebarang pictures di sini. Isu dan sebabnya adalah, kesibukan menyiapkan report  (keje la ni...) yang teramat penting…(more like last minute….lagi). Jadi bile ada kesenggangan di antara menunggu part terakhir of this report being piece out before I compile it, aku rasa ada baiknya aku letak satu entry.

Lagi sekali cita-cita time Ramadhan aku tak semua tercapai….

1.Berbuka puasa di rumah…..syukur banyak kali gak dapat berbuka di rumah.

2.Beli baju seorang sepasang untuk family…mak cik buat baju kata boleh lepas raya…@#$!@%@^...

3.Cukupkan terawih kecuali bila ‘bulan mengambang‘…..tak dapat,ada ja keje rumah la, penat la,ngantuk pun la….hmmmm…hampeh…..

4.Khatam al-Quran……hmmmm……

Tapi there’e always a silver lining…walaupun aku agak sedih, banyak cita-cita aku ni tak dapat dijalankan dengan jayanya….tapi aku terasa tahun ni agak istimewa. Kali ni, I don’t feel lonely….(lalalalalala…..)…and it feels good…..

Jadi untuk sesiapa yang terjengah atau yg kenal akan aku ni ada picture untuk dicopy…

 

 

kad raya

 

p/s:Sedih rasa hati bila Ramadhan pergi lagi…..minat Tuhan panjangkan umur boleh berjumpa lagi di tahun depan…..

3 months to go to new year….2009

Not really 3 months but 3 months or so.

A friend wrote in the discussion topic at friendster about what we had accomplish for this year. The author also advices, we still have time to fulfill our 2008’s resolution. So I’ve been thinking, what did I accomplished for this year. Well, here’s a short list about what I said I will do for this year.

1.Start paying my educational loan, that totals……no need to mention it.

2.Start saving for a car of my own….a nice cute viva will do……

3.Go somewhere for a holiday. 300miles from home….

4.Backpacking to Europe with my buddy, Fiza.

5.Secure myself a unit trust.

6.Engaged before I’m officially 2x…no need to mention again….not now…

Well, as listed it above, I only managed to do the first one. Why because….

1.I start paying already….not really monthly.I skipped sometimes but I always pay la….for the skipped month’s payment in the next month.

2.Can’t afford that  yet as I found out I have to keep my money to some other matter…thanks to somebody….boring….

3.I didn’t go 300miles away from home for a holiday but rather a 1000 miles from home for work. Yeah, been to UK for a week because of a training.Hm…..and now I lost my digital pictures…due to the malfunction of my old hard disk.

4.I didn’t go backpacking to Europe but UK can be counted right….no need to backpack…I brought my wheeled baggage around London and Manchester.

5.My supposed unit trust agent is a friend, and now she’s 3 months pregnant and forgot about it.

6.I will be engaged the day I officially turned 26……bummer.

There goes my 2008 resolution’s  analysis. For those that I mentioned, I am sorry if we can’t make it .But to those that made my resolution just a history, you better make sure you’re worth it…or else….

p/s:You know you love me….xoxo-Gossip girl.

Took from the National Geographic site.Simply adorable.....

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Ramadhan datang lagi…..

Baru masuk hari kelima puasa hari ini, tapi aku rasa bagaikan cepat sungguh masa berlalu. Mungkin pasal tahun ni, kesibukan yang teramat aku dibuatnya. Banyak sungguh yg perlu dibuat….Everyday I multitask…even commuting.

Tapi tahun ini, memang agak special bagi aku kerana, aku menyambut Ramadhan dengan gembira. Tahun lepas, agak berperasaan serabut dalam hati dan merasakan aku keseorangan ja. Pergi keje seorang, balik seorang, Ex-bf jauh, kawan-kawan bergaduh…aduh macam-macam lagi. Semua itu karenah orang sekeliling aku yang agak menambah tekanan yg sedia ada. Tapi it’s all over. Aku sudah bersama orang lain dan kawan-kawan yang bergaduh tu, dah pun berkahwin dan expecting pun.

Bila difikirkan kenangan pada bulan mulia ini, yg paling salju aku ingat bila setiap kali aku ke terawih, mesti ada satu malam sepanjang aku ke masjid dan bersolat terawih, aku akan teringat arwah Cik Man dan arwah nenek. Aku rindu mereka. Hatta, ketika menulis tentang mereka ini, aku jadi sayu. Mereka bela aku ketika kecil. Arwah nenek, nenek angkat ayah. Ayah anak yatim piatu sejak kecil. Bila ayah ke KL,masuk askar, arwah nenek jumpa ayah. Sehingga ke hari ini, kami sekeluarga teringat jasa arwah nenek. Kata ibu, masa ayah meminang ibu, arwah nenek yg uruskan. Kasihan ayah, mula-mula datang seorang diri untuk meminang. Kendian, bila atuk minta orang lain datang, arwah nenek selamatkan keadaan. Arwah nenek sanggup datang dari Langat untuk ukur baju ibu, untuk akad nikah. Ibu dan ayah sayang sangat dengan nenek. Ketika arwah meninggal, aku sempat tengok arwah buat kali terakhir.

Arwah Cik Man, adik bongsu ibu. Kesayangan semua. Ayah paling seronok berborak dengan arwah. Cik Man suka usik aku masa kecil. Kekadang aku geram sampai main pisau. Tapi Cik Man tak pernah marah. Arwah Cik Man hunchback. Jadi kasut dia tinggi sebelah. Seingat aku itulah satu-satunya kasut dia. Dia jarang sangat keluar beli belah.Tapi tangan dia amat berseni. Rezki tuhan. Atuk rapat sangat dengan Cik Man. Atuk tak pernah halang dia untuk aktif dalam seni khat. Atuk belikan barang-barang and gantung hasil arwah di rumah. Memang cantik. Tapi sayang entah ke mana semua tu selepas arwah meninggal. Salah satu kegemarannya, huruf ‘wau‘  yang dikimpal dan pernah masuk galeri. Arwah kerja di bengkel khat. Tuanpunya nya pakcik bongsu atuk.Jadi atuk selalu hantar dan jemput arwah. Sehingga, masa arwah jatuh di bengkel, atuk tengah bercakap denagn Cik Man di telefon. Arwah Cik Man masuk hospital lama juga. Puncanya, pneumonia. Semua ada di sisi, tapi akhirnya Cik Man meninggal pada satu hari yang semua orang tak ada di sisinya. Mungkin atuk terkilan kerana itu dan simpan barang-barang arwah dalam bilik atuk.

Satu perkara aku terkilan, aku tak sempat bagi apa-apa atau ucapkan terima kasih kerana menjaga aku ketika kecil.Budak-budak katakan, lebih gemar merajuk ja. Banyak songehnya.Tapi setiap kali Ramadahan, ada satu malam akan aku menangis ketika terawih bila teringatkan mereka.Bukan malam itu saja aku teringat arwah-arwah, tapi entah kenapa, mesti ada satu malam itu aku amat emosi teringatkan mereka dari malam-malam lain. Jika malam lain yaasin seperti biasa, tapi pada malam tu, yaasin dengan kotak tisu di sebelah. Em…kekadang poyo betul aku ni bila difikirkan…..

Okay pasal ramadhan kali ni, aku pasang hajat. Aku nak beraya sebanyak mungkin. Ke rumah atau gathering semua yg menjemput, tidak menjemput,keluarga terutamanya.Manalah tau jika aku tidak sempat melawat lagi atau mereka dah bertukar alamat pula ke.(Jangan fikir bukan-bukan)

Tapi yang paling terutamanya…aku akan merindui ramadhan. Jadi ada baiknya aku manfaatkan peluang yang ada ni. Puasa betul-betul dan rajin-rajinkan buat yang sunat, yang fardhu lebih dikemaskan.Moga aku mendapat peluang berjumpa Ramadhan lagi di masa lain. Buat masa ini aku akan gunakan masa yang ada sebaik mungkin.Amin…

How’s my stress…….?

Yesterday, I came home late with my parents. (I carpool with them) As being together in the massive traffic jam of KL yesterday, I wonder how many people out there being in the car with your parents and can’t help to speak silence in the whole journey back home. I guess a lot. Stress is culprit? I thought so. But that is not quite true.

It struck me. Why am I always stressed out? If the factors of my stress is put in a painting, Picasso would distaste it, Michaelangelo would throw the painting and Da Vinci would wonder why there even is a painting. That brings to another question. Why am I stress? Such main factors would be, work, relationships, friends bickerings, financial, deadline….etc…etc…etc…. Piecing all together, my head is a hell of a mess when the day end. And it starts all over again the next day.

When I arrived home yesterday, the azan already ended and iqamat was on the air. I stopped to buy fried rice at a nearby stall. As my dad brought home 2 rice packets and decided buying another 2 rice packet is enough for dinner. (We should bought 1) Walking back home, (my dad said exercise is good for me…..hmmm…he and mom rushed home for solat…hmmmm) I wonder again, how I could be relieved from this stress? Simply breathing steadily? It works too. Calling your love ones? Messages is cheaper….(cheap skate….) Writing in a blog? Well, sometimes my work made me forgot this weblog. Well, there’s a lot of way to relieve the stress. In the old campus days. Food is my aphrodisiac. The level of my stress can be measured on how much food I consumed, what kind of food I’m consuming and what time did I consumed it. More like a doctors prescription for me…….

If I took a lot of food (nasi putih with veggie soup,ginger chicken,ABC,tauhu bakar, otak-otak, Mc’D value meal, with extra ice cream as desert…done that…..) that means there’s a lot of things going through my head. Too much until I imagine all of it are food and I eat them up! If I decided on a packet of potato chips or a bag of Tomato Salsa Twiesties, it means there is only one thing in my head and it’s freaking hard to crack the answer. When I slept and suddenly woke up to find biscuit in my storage box, (every student has this….bluff me if you can…) or any goodies I can grab in the box, I’d find myself thinking somebody that has been long forgetten by myself. I would eat the snack and continue to open the laptop, surfing, checking any unfinished tutorials and start on it then only I sleep again, with biscuit trails from my desk to my bed. (Euuuwww….) Hmmm….student life teaches me to get by with anything even if today I felt among it are gross….

Sometimes,  I smile. Not knowing why or to who. I found people would stayed away from me when I do this. It’s because the song “Hadapi dengan senyuman” by Dewa. Hadapi dengan senyuman, semua yang terjadi…biar terjadi. Hadapi dengan tenang jiwa….semua akan baik-baik saja… It’s a good advice. When you feel sad and lonely just smile, it doen’t hurt seeing people happy to see you. Happy faces is what our society needs right now.

Before I sleep, can’t stop thinking how lucky sometimes that I have friends, families and Mr.Bean to be there or to think of when I’m all stressed out. Not thinking bout their tantrums. But the happy moments with them. There a lot of people out there handle stress with violence and hatred. So much for being a civilized nation. A bad habit that destroys oneself and hurt others. As I sleep, I wonder what dream I had last night cause I feel good this morning….and it sure made me smile….

Hadapi dengan senyuman
Semua yang terjadi
Biar terjadi .
Hadapi dengan tenang jiwa
Semua… Kan baik baik saja

Bila ketetapan tuhan
Sudah ditetapkan
Tetaplah sudah .
Tak ada yang bisa merubah
Dan takkan bisa berubah

Relakanlah saja ini
Bahwa semua yang terbaik
Terbaik untuk kita semua
Menyerahlah untuk menang

-Dewa

I wish....